Marriage is a commitment, a relationship involving the joining of a man and a woman. It is as old as creation itself, dates back to the creation of Adam and Eve. To my mind, it is the union of two people from different background, with different orientation, attitude to life and philosophy. The fusion of all these characteristics from two willing people coming together as one body and soul for the purpose of recreation and mutual exchange of feelings and moreover as source of comfort for one another makes up the total components of marriage.
Sex is described as the sum of the structural, functional and behavioral characteristics of living beings that sub-serve reproduction by two interacting parents and that distinguish males and females. Given that sex plays an important role in marriage, how would you cope if hooked in a sexless relationship?
Cicero says ‘ the first bond of society is marriage, the next, our children, then the whole family and all things in common’. Could we have achieved all these feats without explore our intimacies? One definitely is an architect of the other. Where one is missing, the center cannot hold. Now, if sexual bond ceases to exist in a marriage, what is the fate of that relationship?
A friend once narrated his experience in the course of my regular probing about matters of the heart. He claimed to have been living with his spouse since their marriage of 12 years but the last four years has witness a complete turn off in their sexual lives. After the last child, the woman just tuned off sex completely. She became fully engrossed with her children, her work and her religion. They have not had any sexual relationship in the last four years, yet they live under the same roof. Surprised? Shocking you may say but it is real.
The wife is a complete opposite of the man, highly introverted and very conservative. She does not believe in outward expression of love especially in public places or when friends and families are around. She loves her husband but in her own way. She simply wants to live her life for her children; which to her, was the reason for getting married after all, secondly, for her job and finally her religion. And the husband, you may ask? She just wants him to be there, always at hand when needed. She takes care of him by ensuring he is well fed and well taken care of at home but not sex wise. She is not just cut out for it.
The husband on the contrary is a happy go lucky man. Outwardly expressive, willing to arouse all feelings to ensure sexual pleasure but always gets rebuffed by the wife. What did he do, sure you want to know. He found an alternative means to his satisfaction. Discreetly, he engaged in extra marital affairs. The wife on the other hand is oblivious of happenings around her. For as long as she goes to work and come back to meet her husband at home, she is satisfied. If he has cause to come back late, she attributes it to his work schedule in the office. As far as she is concerned, there is nothing to be afraid of because she believes that lack of sex between them is not enough ground to break the relationship. How realistic? Is this a case of being gullible or simple ignorance?
In my quiet moment, I pondered over the scenario and concluded the wife probably had a psychological issue about relationship while growing up and has refused to outgrow it.
This is a woman that would give everything to please God but not the institution constituted by God. To her, sexual intercourse with her husband would not give her spiritual satisfaction. How ironic? Even the scriptures kick against sexual denial in marriage on either party. For her to have taken this position simply beats my imagination, perhaps am not conversant with the scriptures. May be I am missing something yet to be discovered.
While pondering over the issue, a few tips readily come to mind which I hope would be useful for whoever is in the same boat like my character.
1. Before signing the dotted lines, talk about sex, find out your partners point of view on matters relating to sex. This will help to identify his/her kind of person in sex related matters and will assist you in making the final decision if you both are sexually compatible.
2. Share and compare notes on your past experiences while growing up. Dig into a few things in the past especially if you know you want to spend the rest of your lives together, it helps to shape the future. Remember you can only proffer solution to problem shared.
3. Recognize you cannot change your spouse but you can help overcome the past and chart a new course if both parties are willing.
4. Identify your spouse’s strong sexual point and leverage on it. You never can tell, it might just work wonder.
5 When her mood is right, find out if she ever enjoyed making love with you, if you hurt her during love making or perhaps you have not been performing up to her expectation and would like to take her suggestions. If she is the shy and conservative type, put it in writing.
6. Create a relaxed atmosphere of congenial collaboration. Be open, don’t get boxed up, don’t be withdrawn it will only worsen the situation.
7. Be nice to your spouse and show empathy not pity. Create warm ambiance to boost her confidence that you are always there in good and bad times. Do not act nice and warm simply to have sex, make a regular habit of it.
8. Go down memory lane with your spouse. Remind her of your sexual life in the beginning, before the advent of the children, the sweet early stages.
9. Don’t give up on her. You can make a difference in her love if your love is genuine.
10. Finally all couples should remember that religion is a way of life. You cannot shy away from your marital responsibilities in the name of God. I bet God does not approve of that. Perform your bedroom duties and let love reign.
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