Tag Archives: feelings

Sexual Conflict In Marriage

Marriage is a commitment, a relationship involving the joining of a man and a woman. It is as old as creation itself, dates back to the creation of Adam and Eve. To my mind, it is the union of two people from different background, with different orientation, attitude to life and philosophy. The fusion of all these characteristics from two willing people coming together as one body and soul for the purpose of recreation and mutual exchange of feelings and moreover as source of comfort for one another makes up the total components of marriage.

Sex is described as the sum of the structural, functional and behavioral characteristics of living beings that sub-serve reproduction by two interacting parents and that distinguish males and females. Given that sex plays an important role in marriage, how would you cope if hooked in a sexless relationship?

Cicero says ‘ the first bond of society is marriage, the next, our children, then the whole family and all things in common’. Could we have achieved all these feats without explore our intimacies? One definitely is an architect of the other. Where one is missing, the center cannot hold. Now, if sexual bond ceases to exist in a marriage, what is the fate of that relationship?

A friend once narrated his experience in the course of my regular probing about matters of the heart. He claimed to have been living with his spouse since their marriage of 12 years but the last four years has witness a complete turn off in their sexual lives. After the last child, the woman just tuned off sex completely. She became fully engrossed with her children, her work and her religion. They have not had any sexual relationship in the last four years, yet they live under the same roof. Surprised? Shocking you may say but it is real.

The wife is a complete opposite of the man, highly introverted and very conservative. She does not believe in outward expression of love especially in public places or when friends and families are around. She loves her husband but in her own way. She simply wants to live her life for her children; which to her, was the reason for getting married after all, secondly, for her job and finally her religion. And the husband, you may ask? She just wants him to be there, always at hand when needed. She takes care of him by ensuring he is well fed and well taken care of at home but not sex wise. She is not just cut out for it.

The husband on the contrary is a happy go lucky man. Outwardly expressive, willing to arouse all feelings to ensure sexual pleasure but always gets rebuffed by the wife. What did he do, sure you want to know. He found an alternative means to his satisfaction. Discreetly, he engaged in extra marital affairs. The wife on the other hand is oblivious of happenings around her. For as long as she goes to work and come back to meet her husband at home, she is satisfied. If he has cause to come back late, she attributes it to his work schedule in the office. As far as she is concerned, there is nothing to be afraid of because she believes that lack of sex between them is not enough ground to break the relationship. How realistic? Is this a case of being gullible or simple ignorance?

In my quiet moment, I pondered over the scenario and concluded the wife probably had a psychological issue about relationship while growing up and has refused to outgrow it.

This is a woman that would give everything to please God but not the institution constituted by God. To her, sexual intercourse with her husband would not give her spiritual satisfaction. How ironic? Even the scriptures kick against sexual denial in marriage on either party. For her to have taken this position simply beats my imagination, perhaps am not conversant with the scriptures. May be I am missing something yet to be discovered.

While pondering over the issue, a few tips readily come to mind which I hope would be useful for whoever is in the same boat like my character.

1. Before signing the dotted lines, talk about sex, find out your partners point of view on matters relating to sex. This will help to identify his/her kind of person in sex related matters and will assist you in making the final decision if you both are sexually compatible.

2. Share and compare notes on your past experiences while growing up. Dig into a few things in the past especially if you know you want to spend the rest of your lives together, it helps to shape the future. Remember you can only proffer solution to problem shared.

3. Recognize you cannot change your spouse but you can help overcome the past and chart a new course if both parties are willing.

4. Identify your spouse’s strong sexual point and leverage on it. You never can tell, it might just work wonder.

5 When her mood is right, find out if she ever enjoyed making love with you, if you hurt her during love making or perhaps you have not been performing up to her expectation and would like to take her suggestions. If she is the shy and conservative type, put it in writing.

6. Create a relaxed atmosphere of congenial collaboration. Be open, don’t get boxed up, don’t be withdrawn it will only worsen the situation.

7. Be nice to your spouse and show empathy not pity. Create warm ambiance to boost her confidence that you are always there in good and bad times. Do not act nice and warm simply to have sex, make a regular habit of it.

8. Go down memory lane with your spouse. Remind her of your sexual life in the beginning, before the advent of the children, the sweet early stages.

9. Don’t give up on her. You can make a difference in her love if your love is genuine.

10. Finally all couples should remember that religion is a way of life. You cannot shy away from your marital responsibilities in the name of God. I bet God does not approve of that. Perform your bedroom duties and let love reign.

Basic Sex Turn Offs and On to watch out for

Hey guys, those little stuffs you do in bed consciously or unconsciously make us tingle with sensation or send numb feelings down the spine. You may think you are actually hitting the nail but in actually fact, you are riding a dead horse. Watch out!
1. We get turned on when you whisper sweet nothings in our lobes, especially in public, thereby making us feel like we are all that matters. All sexual inhibitions melt when you come up with that deep enriched baritone voice, how exciting it feels and obviously sends wild thoughts of what could happen afterwards. Being forced to contain ourselves there and then only turns up the heat. When you call to tell how our perfume haunts and how you wish to lick ice cream off our smooth skin, it makes us want to pounce on you like a tiger.

On the contrary, we get turned off when you thank us for the sex. Hmmmmn! What do you think- a volunteer worker feeding the hungry? Rather you could present a case like ‘making love makes me feel whole and you are the best thing that ever happens to my sex life. Remember, be sincere!

2. You turn us on when you kiss like you mean it. Gently brushing the lips aside with yours, then pulling away and looking at us straight in the eyes without a word but full of messages. Igniting the fire with petrol. You lean close like it was going to happen again but gently eases out, creating suspense. Real fire on the mountain. A little teasing could be so sexy. We love it. When you kiss those hidden spots around the collarbone or elsewhere, the world suddenly stands still. Scintillatingly sexy!

However, you turn us off when you drop yourself on the bed like a bulldog anticipating dinner, reeking of alcohol and tobacco breath. Whatever happens to mint or some lovely deodorant? Flickering your tongue in and out like a monitor lizard in search of an egg makes us want to puke. Hey keep your tongue to yourself and hold the saliva. What a breath!

3. We are turned on when you read our signals. How observant are you? Do you notice the changes in our bodies? Depending on our cycle, the breast change in sensitivity. So while the nipples might have enjoyed a good squeeze last week, they might hurt today. Gentle suck will always do the trick. Hold them gently and watch out for our reactions between pain and pleasure before you proceed. Showing that you care about our pleasure as much as your own is what really makes us sparkle.

You turn us off when you squeeze the breast as if you are testing melons for ripeness. How would you like it if we bruise your banana? Be gentle. Twisting the nipples as if you were tuning to a radio station is the fastest way to turn us off. And don’t try to chew them, they are not gums but nipples.

4. You turn us on when you slowly work your way down the alley, treating the body like a delicious appetizer before the main course. And when you get there you gently ease your way in with light touches and a slow steady rhythm. Imagine paradise on earth for both of us. Do not forget to keep the rhythm steady and consistent otherwise you’d miss the beat.

However, when you pounce like a fastidious cat sniffing a saucer of sour milk, what are you – man or mouse? Oops! How it hurts when you insert your sharp fingered nails without a care as if you need to incise for an operation. Remember, keep the nails clean!

5. Imagine two running engines, one without lubricant while the other is well lubricated. Of course the lubricated engine runs better, right? This is what we feel when you gently suck the nipples, stroke the clitoris and tease the body before you think of penetrating. What’s the rush anyway? Love making is meant to be fun and memorable. Imagine the spread of vanilla ice cream on a warm body, gently lick it off and leave sensations running down the spine. Simply create the heat generation. After all, it’s not your banging that makes good sex anyway but the feelings that come with it.

Oops! You got to the climax before it’s over and you suddenly roll over. How selfish! We were in this together, so what happens to my feelings? Would you rather be a welder who simply strikes the iron than a masseur who tenderizes the body? We all love tenderness so learn to be a masseur. It really turns us off when it’s all over, you simply dose off with a loud snore. What happens to some after-play stuffs like kissing the tip of the nose, warm snuggle or simply expressing how beautiful the whole experience has been? Sex is a wonderful therapy, isn’t it?

Experience has shown that spouses who don’t get it right within craves for something without. Have you ever asked your spouse how he or she feels about your sexual lives or love making strategies? Do they work for you? If they don’t, take a clue now, it’s never too late.