Tag Archives: marriages

Tips on How To Improve on Your Dull Relationship

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Good relationships don’t just happen. I’ve heard many couples state that, “If I have to work at it, then it’s not the right relationship.” This is not a true statement, for as long as you work hard at looking your best, work hard at loosing weight, work hard at being recognized by your boss, work hard at being a good parent, then why should it be so difficult at making your relationship work?

I’ve realized over time while at couples or dating forum and ladies talk room that there are some choices you can make that will not only improve your relationship, but can turn a failing relationship into a successful one. As you celebrate Valentine today, take these tips with you and improve on your relationship:

1.BE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOURSELF: It is often said that ‘No one can make you happy, but YOU’. Being happy for yourself is the most important choice you can make to improve your relationship. By so doing, you take absolute responsibility for your own feelings and needs. Invariably, this means that instead of trying to solicit happiness and security from your partner, you learn how to do this through your own thoughts and actions. By so doing, you are learning to treat yourself with kindness, caring, compassion, and acceptance instead of self-judgment. No matter how wonderfully your partner is treating you, for as long as you continue to judge yourself you will always feel unhappy and insecure. Instead of brooding and getting angry at your partner for your feelings of abandonment when he or she is late, preoccupied and not listening to you, not turned on sexually, and so on, you should look inward and discover how you might be abandoning yourself.

When you learn how to take full, 100% responsibility for yourself, then you stop blaming your partner for your insecurity. The most important gift, vital to a good relationship you can give yourself this Valentine season is to learn how to take loving care of yourself, take responsibility and make it happen.

2. KINDNESS, COMPASSION, ACCEPTANCE: Sure you’ve heard of ‘Do unto others what you expect them to do unto you’. Simply said; treat others the way you want to be treated. This is the essence of a truly spiritual life. We all yearn to be treated lovingly – with kindness, compassion, understanding, and acceptance. We need to treat ourselves this way, and we need to treat our partner and others this way. Relationships flourish when both people treat each other with kindness. While there are no guarantees, often treating another with kindness brings kindness in return. If your partner is consistently angry, judgmental, uncaring and unkind, then you need to focus on what would be loving to yourself rather than reverting to anger, blame, judgment, withdrawal, resistance, or compliance. Kindness to others does not mean sacrificing yourself. Always remember that taking responsibility for yourself rather than blaming others is the most important thing you can do. Some women claim to have neglected themselves due to child birth or raising children thus leaving their partners to the memory of what they looked like during courtship. This is self injustice as far as I am concerned. You are not helping yourself nor your relationship. If you are consistently kind to yourself and your partner, and your partner is consistently angry, blaming, withdrawn and unavailable, you tried everything possible and no result, then you either have to accept a distant relationship, or you need to leave the relationship. You cannot make your partner change – you can only change yourself.

3. GRATITUDE INSTEAD OF COMPLAINTS: Positive energy flows between two people when there is an “attitude of gratitude.” Constant complaints creates a heavy, negative energy, which is not fun to be around. Practice being grateful for what you have rather than focusing on what you don’t have. Complaints create stress, while gratitude creates inner peace, so gratitude creates not only emotional and relationship health, but physical health as well.

4. LEARNING INSTEAD OF CONTROLLING: When conflict occurs, you always have two choices regarding how to handle the conflict: you can be open to learning about yourself and your partner and discover the deeper issues of the conflict, or you can try to win, or at least not lose, through some form of controlling behavior. We’ve all learn many overt and subtle ways of trying to control others into behaving the way we want: anger, blame, judgment, niceness, compliance, care taking, resistance, withdrawal of love, explaining, teaching, defending, lying, denying, and so on. In most cases, all these ways create even more conflict if not properly communicated. Remembering to learn and listen instead of control is a vital part of improving your relationship.
For example, most people have two major fears that become activated in relationships: the fear of abandonment – of losing the other – and the fear of engulfment – of losing oneself. When these fears get activated, most people immediately protect themselves against these fears with their controlling behavior. But if you chose to learn about your fears instead of attempt to control your partner, your fear would eventually heal. This is how we grow emotionally and spiritually – by learning instead of controlling.

5. CREATE DATE TIMES: When people first fall in love, they make time for each other. Then, right after getting married, they get busy. Relationships need time to thrive. You need to create your own ‘kid time’, pretend to be kids once in a while and let loose of all inhibitions. It is vitally important to set aside specific times to be together – to talk, play, share quiet moments, make love. Intimacy cannot be maintained without making out time together.Today, the pressure of making a living is taking a toll on memorable love life but you have to create it and make it happen.

6. FUN AND PLAY: We all know that “work without play makes Jack a dull boy.” Work without play makes for dull relationships as well. Relationships flourish when people laugh together, play together, and when humor is a part of everyday life. Stop taking everything so seriously and learn to see the funny side of life. Most couples are rather nice, warm, friendly and jovial with outsiders but when it comes to their partners, they are like night and day. Intimacy flourishes when there is lightness of being, not when everything is heavy.

7. SELFLESS SERVICE: How beautiful is it when both of you venture into a project together? Work on a selfless service together, volunteer and enjoy feelings of mutual selflessness. A wonderful way of creating intimacy is to do service projects together. Giving to others fills the heart and creates deep satisfaction in the soul. If you are having problem in your relationship, volunteer at a relationship coaching group, listen to others talk and visualize yourselves in their position. You may come to realize that yours is not worse after all. Engaging in this type of service moves you out of yourself and your own problems and supports a broader, more spiritual view of life.

If you and your partner agree to these tips, you will be amazed at the improvement in your relationship and how happier you would be. Remember, love and life go beyond Valentine day, make your relationship last longer!

Sexual Conflict In Marriage

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Marriage is a commitment, a relationship involving the joining of a man and a woman. It is as old as creation itself, dates back to the creation of Adam and Eve. To my mind, it is the union of two people from different background, with different orientation, attitude to life and philosophy. The fusion of all these characteristics from two willing people coming together as one body and soul for the purpose of recreation and mutual exchange of feelings and moreover as source of comfort for one another makes up the total components of marriage.

Sex is described as the sum of the structural, functional and behavioral characteristics of living beings that sub-serve reproduction by two interacting parents and that distinguish males and females. Given that sex plays an important role in marriage, how would you cope if hooked in a sexless relationship?

Cicero says ‘ the first bond of society is marriage, the next, our children, then the whole family and all things in common’. Could we have achieved all these feats without explore our intimacies? One definitely is an architect of the other. Where one is missing, the center cannot hold. Now, if sexual bond ceases to exist in a marriage, what is the fate of that relationship?

A friend once narrated his experience in the course of my regular probing about matters of the heart. He claimed to have been living with his spouse since their marriage of 12 years but the last four years has witness a complete turn off in their sexual lives. After the last child, the woman just tuned off sex completely. She became fully engrossed with her children, her work and her religion. They have not had any sexual relationship in the last four years, yet they live under the same roof. Surprised? Shocking you may say but it is real.

The wife is a complete opposite of the man, highly introverted and very conservative. She does not believe in outward expression of love especially in public places or when friends and families are around. She loves her husband but in her own way. She simply wants to live her life for her children; which to her, was the reason for getting married after all, secondly, for her job and finally her religion. And the husband, you may ask? She just wants him to be there, always at hand when needed. She takes care of him by ensuring he is well fed and well taken care of at home but not sex wise. She is not just cut out for it.

The husband on the contrary is a happy go lucky man. Outwardly expressive, willing to arouse all feelings to ensure sexual pleasure but always gets rebuffed by the wife. What did he do, sure you want to know. He found an alternative means to his satisfaction. Discreetly, he engaged in extra marital affairs. The wife on the other hand is oblivious of happenings around her. For as long as she goes to work and come back to meet her husband at home, she is satisfied. If he has cause to come back late, she attributes it to his work schedule in the office. As far as she is concerned, there is nothing to be afraid of because she believes that lack of sex between them is not enough ground to break the relationship. How realistic? Is this a case of being gullible or simple ignorance?

In my quiet moment, I pondered over the scenario and concluded the wife probably had a psychological issue about relationship while growing up and has refused to outgrow it.

This is a woman that would give everything to please God but not the institution constituted by God. To her, sexual intercourse with her husband would not give her spiritual satisfaction. How ironic? Even the scriptures kick against sexual denial in marriage on either party. For her to have taken this position simply beats my imagination, perhaps am not conversant with the scriptures. May be I am missing something yet to be discovered.

While pondering over the issue, a few tips readily come to mind which I hope would be useful for whoever is in the same boat like my character.

1. Before signing the dotted lines, talk about sex, find out your partners point of view on matters relating to sex. This will help to identify his/her kind of person in sex related matters and will assist you in making the final decision if you both are sexually compatible.

2. Share and compare notes on your past experiences while growing up. Dig into a few things in the past especially if you know you want to spend the rest of your lives together, it helps to shape the future. Remember you can only proffer solution to problem shared.

3. Recognize you cannot change your spouse but you can help overcome the past and chart a new course if both parties are willing.

4. Identify your spouse’s strong sexual point and leverage on it. You never can tell, it might just work wonder.

5 When her mood is right, find out if she ever enjoyed making love with you, if you hurt her during love making or perhaps you have not been performing up to her expectation and would like to take her suggestions. If she is the shy and conservative type, put it in writing.

6. Create a relaxed atmosphere of congenial collaboration. Be open, don’t get boxed up, don’t be withdrawn it will only worsen the situation.

7. Be nice to your spouse and show empathy not pity. Create warm ambiance to boost her confidence that you are always there in good and bad times. Do not act nice and warm simply to have sex, make a regular habit of it.

8. Go down memory lane with your spouse. Remind her of your sexual life in the beginning, before the advent of the children, the sweet early stages.

9. Don’t give up on her. You can make a difference in her love if your love is genuine.

10. Finally all couples should remember that religion is a way of life. You cannot shy away from your marital responsibilities in the name of God. I bet God does not approve of that. Perform your bedroom duties and let love reign.

10 Ways To Build Strong, Happy and Lasting Relationship

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Dating and marriage today is a great task. Many marriages today fail for one reason or the other. Commitment is fading off and what obtains now ranges from deceit to lies, emotional instability to outright disregard for one another’s feelings. For a lot of people today, ‘commitment’ has become a scary thing. Dating is more like marathon race, trying to date as many people as possible, instead of being committed to one and get to know each other very well is obviously the order of the day.

We all know there is no perfect marriage. Working to improve on an existing relationship to me appears tougher than trying a fresh one. Things do not always go perfectly as fighting, argument, disagreement do occur and it takes 100% commitment from both parties to make it a success.

Despite all these odds, healthy and long lasting relationships are definitely possible. The ability to manage and restore sparks in our relationships when the reality of marital disintegration shows up is what makes a healthy marriage. Look at Nancy and Ronald Reagan, Hilary and Bill Clinton and a few others like them, you would agree with me that they don’t have perfect marriages but they have learnt to weather the storm and face realities of the ups and downs of marriage by choosing to love their mates irrespective of the odds against their marriage.

Relationship building is like a car, the more you service it and treat it right, the more it serves you. The longer the usage, the more the wear and tear. This is the way to look at relationships, you need to work for it to get the best out of it. Everything cannot be perfect, there will be obstacles to overcome but you have to make concerted effort to make it work.

Here are some tips to strengthen your relationship:

Create time to be together: Learn to spend quality time together. Its not about the activity but the fact that you are both doing something that you enjoy. We are often torn between our work, family and everything else going on around us at the expense of the people we care about. Schedule and keep to arranged dates as you would your corporate meetings.

Show Affection: When was the last time you walked up to your partner for no reason, without saying a word and affectionately placed a kiss on the neck? When last did you cuddle your partner, rub her hand or run through her hair or simply hold hands without uttering a word. We show love and affection to our children and often forget that our partners need attention too. The power of touch could be overwhelming, everything is not about sex but feeling each other’s vibes in our own quiet world says it all.

Renew old Traditions: Do you remember when you just hit it off? There must have been some things you both enjoyed doing that made you tick. Did you make a it habit to walk in the park? Or you hung out on Fridays for TGIF? Think back! Renew and improve on what you used to do together just like manufacturers would always slam us with a new and improved product.

Secret Getaways: At a point in our relationships, we truly crave for some quiet moments especially when you have children hovering round you. Map out periods when you both can take a vacation without the children. It doesn’t have to be an expensive trip, you may choose to hide away at a hotel in town for a beautiful weekend. Make the outing as romantic as possible. Rekindle your love and refresh your memories of the good old days.

Exchange Gifts: Surprise your partner with little tokens. If your partner loves movies for instance, you may surprise her by picking her up without letting out your mission till you arrive there. Sometimes it could be flowers or card that truly expresses your mind. The fact behind these actions is a way of telling your partner that ‘you are always on my mind’. Small gifts packed with thought are far more cherished.

Exchange Compliments: For some reasons, you may have stopped noticing how your partner looks. Even when she wears that beautiful Victoria Secret or that Pierre Cardin shirt, you simply can’t see! Now imagine getting compliments from outsiders. I am sure you’d feel totally ignored by your partner and would wish the comment was coming from him/her. Learn to appreciate your own and say it, it registers better.

Listen: Cultivate the habit of listening to your partner. Some people only listen to themselves and ignore the other party. Get into a habit of listening to what your mate is saying, don’t wait until things get really out of hand to react.

Act the Kid: Have you ever seen kids play? Take a mental note of their reaction to the world around them at that point in time, they are simply in their own world. No inhibitions, no pretense. Put spice into your relationship, act the kid for a change. A friend once tried to act the kid with the husband, told him to close his eyes while he gave him a surprise but the husband couldn’t see the fun in the whole thing, he simply told off the wife by saying, ‘grow up and stop being childish’. This is very hurtful! We should learn to let go of our prim and proper, holier than though attitude and live a simple life. Enjoy the world of innocence for a change!

Night of Passion: As we grow older in our relationships, we tend to take intimacy and passion as secondary. When relationships are troubled, the last thing either party wants is to be sexual or passionate. However, this could be a part of the healing and rebuilding process if handled properly. Make your intimate time special and memorable as these memories would see you trough the troubled times.

Communication: When rebuilding relationships, you need to open lines of communication. I know the first thing that flies out the window in troubled relationship is communication. Sometimes we feel its easier to be quiet than to get mad meanwhile, healing in relationships cannot start until we talk. You both have to let down your guards and respect each other’s feelings. You don’t have to agree on all issues but you can both decide to work towards achieving peace.

Create Space: As it is important to spend quality time together, it is equally important to give each other a break. This is not the time to date other people but to enjoy ‘preferred activities’. Once you have trust in your relationship, try to respect your partner’s need for space to be herself or himself. This shows great respect for one another.